


Wash away the guilt you shouldn't feel

by Niall_Princess_Horan



Series: Tarnished porcelain skin [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angry Niall, Car Accidents, Cute Niall, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Niall, Hurt/Comfort, Louis Dies, M/M, Niall feels guilty, Niall-centric, Nurse Harry, Nurse Liam, Sad Niall, handjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-10-30 23:49:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10887465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niall_Princess_Horan/pseuds/Niall_Princess_Horan
Summary: Niall and louis are in a car crash, niall is driving and louis dies.Niall breaks both arms and his foot and has nurse harry living with them for 9 weeks to help his mobility. Harry helps wash away more than the dirt on nialls face.P.S. you can follow me on Twitter @meganls11But my names Riley :/





	1. Chapter 1

Niall pov

"We'll just keep dancin like we're 22!" Louis and I pelt at the top of our voices.  
"Pull up for food at kfc"  
"M'kay" I reply, indicating and turning in.

After getting the chicken, we make our way to louis.

One minute were driving down the road and the next a black pick up truck is smashing into my drivers side door.

I scream as does louis before anothercar goes into my side as well, sending the car to tip over.

I remember crying. I remember asking louis if hes okay. I remember getting no reply.I remember someone knock on the window and tell me everything it okay. To stay with them. I remember my head hurting and my eyes going blurry.

 

I don't remember anything after that.

 

I open my eyes slowly, whining as the light makes my head ache worse. I try to cradle my head but can't move my arms.

"Niall!?" I see my dad before I hear him. I have a high pitched ringing in both ears.

"Where's lou?" I groan as I fall back into unconsciousness. 

 

The next time I wake up I'm more with it and my head doesn't hurt as much.

"Hello niall, youve been in a car accident and youre in hospital. My name is liam. IM a nurse here. How are you feeling?"  
"Like I've been hit by I truck" I grunt.  
"Well, you have. Literally."  
"Where's lou?"  
"Louis Tomlinson?" Liam asks.

I nod my head, regretting it instantly.  
"Niall. IM afraid louis didn't make it. He his his head during the crash. Died on impact. I can assure you he didn't suffer, he died instantly"

I don't hear anything after 'louis didn't make it'. I whimper and turn my head away, not wanting anyone to see me cry. I know the tears are falling and I know my dad and liam can see them or hear my sniffling. But I don't care. My heart is clenching and I feel like I'm going to throw up as I think about the fact ill never see my best friend again. Then I think about his family. His mum, dad, 5 younger sisters and little brother. Who's going to tell them their brother and son isn't coming home? And it's all my fault. I was driving and i get to live? How is that fair.

"I killed him" I whisper.  
"No. Niall, it was the other drivers fault. He was drunk. Well over the limit. He's to blame not you-"

"-I was driving. I should have swerved. I love him dad, he's a brother to me. I want him to come back" I cry


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I've decided to continue this fic because why the heck not :D
> 
> Prompts are open!!

Harry pov

"Why me?" I groan as liam informs me I'm to become a live in nurse for a boy in a car crash.  
"Harry, he's a patient like all the others here"  
"Except he was driving the car his friend died in"  
"Because they were hit by a drunk driver. Trust me he feels guilty enough with out you judging him as well"

"And why do I have to live there?"  
"He needs around the clock care. Two broken arms and a broken foot. As well as cracked ribs."  
"Fuck" I gasp, I didn't know the kid was hurt that bad.  
"Come on" he says dragging me towards nialls room.

He's being discharged today so I have to go back with them. I'm only going for the money. £700 a week and all my meals/ accommodation provided. I font feel the kid deserves the help, not after his friend dying. Liam says it wasn't his fault. Bla bla bla. But he was driving. He should have been able to minimise the damage of the impact.

"Hi niall. How are you feeling today?" Liam says as we walk in.  
"Im alive. Lou isn't. Can't complain" Is all he says. His voice is robotic, like this is the only answer he's allowed to say. He doesn't meet our eyes, he stares at the floor. Like he isn't worthy of looking us in the eyes. 

"Niall. This is harry. He's the live in nurse I was telling you about". His eyes briefly flick up to see me before he looks at the floor again.

"Well we're all set niall. Lets get you home yeah?" A man says, bobby - nialls dad, my brain provides. Niall nods a little.

We help get niall seated in a wheelchair and I wheel him down as bobby gets the bags and painkillers.

The drive is quiet. Bobby tries to talk to niall but he doesn't reply. He doesn't make any acknowledgement that he's heard bobby speak. He just stares out the window and mumbles "I'm sorry lou"

Their home is small but cosy. Not very modern but you can tell it's lived in. It feels like a home. Not a show house.

We all sit at the table to discuss duties/ needs/ requirements.

"Is there anything you feel you won't need help with? Anything you need a bit more help with?" Bobby asks.  
Niall just shrugs.

"Okay, how about, we figure it out as we go along? If I'm helping with something you feel you can do, just say and ill ease up. Or if you need a bit more help, tell me and I can help more" I suggest after 5 minutes of niall shrugging.

"Sounds good to me. Niall?"  
"Sure" he mutters "can I go to bed?"  
"Course"

Getting him upstairs is a freaking challenge. Niall can't put weight on his left foot and can't grip with either hand so. Yeah. Fun times.

"Okay. This could be unprofessional but im past caring" I say as I puck niall up like a small child. He puts his arms around my neck to steady himself and I rest one hand under his bum and the other on his back. His legs flop down by my sides.

"I won't drop you, don't worry" I mumble as he lays his head on my chest, the painkillers kick kicking in and sleep taking over.

 

I get him laid on the bed and lay a duvet over him. I sigh and look at him. I mean really look at him. He's far too small for his age and I could carry him with one arm, meaning he's servearly under weight. His face is younger looking when hes asleep. I wouldn't look at him and think 18. More like 15.

He looks innocent. And not in the virgin way. In the 'it was an accident that louis died and if I could take his place I would In a heart beat' kinda way.

 

I sit on the edge of the bed and move a bit of blonde hair out of his eyes.

"I know it was an accident babe. I'll help you through this. You are NOT to blame for this niall. I promise you that. Things will heal over time. You just have to be patient. The memories will never fade but the guilt will ease up. I'll be here every step of the way. Yeah?" I mumble.

I sit there a few more minutes before going to my new room and un packing my 2 bags. I flop on the bed with one goal in mind.

 

I WILL wash away the guilt that is eating that boy alive.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry pov

I have now been looking after niall for a week and I'm bloody exhausted. He literally can't do anything. It takes him nearly two hours to eat a simple meal because he struggles to grip the fork but won't let me feed him.

He also takes 20 minutes to get to the toilet with me carry/dragging him.

I'm tired.

 

It's 3:12 am when I am woken up by a phone call.

"Hey niall, I'm coming" I sigh getting up and going into his room. I knock lightly before entering.

"Sorry, I need a wee. Couldn't hold it any longer"  
"It's alright. It's what I'm here for"

I help him up and we're on our way to the bathroom. Me in my boxers and niall in his and a t shirt. He stops half way.

"Need a rest?"  
"No-I. Harry. I'm gona wee. If I move" he mumbles, tears filling in his eyes.  
"We can't stand here"  
"I can't hold it in and walk" he mumbles, tears falling now. I can see his legs tensed together and shit. He wasn't kidding. 

I try to think fast but can't as ive only been awake for 10 minutes. I pull his boxers down and grab him around the waist and carry him to the bathroom. He sobs the whole way and I feel a bit of wet on my leg but get him sat on the loo as soon as possible for the rest to lend where it's supposed to. I turn around as he finishes, to give him some privacy.

"I'm sorry" he whispers. I turn around and crouch in frontbof him.  
"It's okay. You should have woke me sooner. Niall I don't mind. That's why I'm here"

"I feel bad cos you were sleeping."  
"I'd rather you wake me than wee on my leg" I joke, I smile so he knows I'm kidding and he smiles a little too.

"Lets get you cleaned up."

I wash his legs and crotch with a sponge, soap and water as he was getting a bath tomorrow anyway. Then clean my own leg, before leading him to bed.

 

"Get some sleep" I say as I lay the duvet over him.  
"Unlikely. I don't sleep anymore."  
"Because of the crash?"  
"I keep seeing his face. And hearing his scream. He was so scared. I killed him" he mumbles. I sit on the bed.

"No you didn't. You were hit by a drunk driver-"  
"-it should have been me. Why him? He did nothing wrong. I was driving and- and who's going to tell his mum her son isn't coming back. Or his 6 younger siblings that their big brother won't come home? I'm so angry with that man. But not as angry as I am with myself. I might not have caused the crash. But im responsible for his death. I- I miss him. You know? You would have liked him. He was out spoken and sassy. So so funny. He'd have liked you. Probably tried to get onto your pants. He'd have proper fancied you" he starts sad but then laughs at the end.

"He sounds great" I smile.  
"He was. The best."  
"He's not my type though" I joke, trying to get him to laugh again.

"You don't even know what he looked like. Or are you straight?"  
"No, but I prefer quieter people. I'm bi but I like more easy going people. Not someone who with fight me on everything."

"I wrote a song for him. For a show at school. He had to express himself and couldn't so I wrote it for him. Describes him perfectly."

"Could I hear it?"  
"Erm-sure"  
"Tomorrow?"  
"Tomorrow" he agrees.

 

The day starts boring. cereal and a dvd before I request the song!

 

He gets me to play the backing track from his phone as he can't play the guitar to go with it.

"You think you know me  
But you don't know me  
You think you own me  
But you can't control me

You look at me  
And there's just one thing that you see  
So listen to me  
Listen to me

You push me back  
I push you back  
Harder, harder  
You scream at me  
I scream at you  
Louder, l-l-l-l-louder

I'm dangerous, I'm warning you  
But you're not afraid of me  
And I can't convince you  
You don't know me

You think you got me  
But you don't get me  
You think you want me  
But you don't know what you're getting into

There's so much more to me  
then what you think you see  
So listen to me  
Just listen to me

You push me back  
I push you back  
Harder, harder  
You scream at me  
I scream at you  
Louder, l-l-l-l-louder

I'm dangerous, I'm warning you  
But you're not afraid of me  
And I can't convince you  
You don't know me

And the longer that you stay, the ice is melting  
And the pain feels okay, it feels okay (hey)

You push me back  
I push you back  
You scream at me  
I scream at you  
Louder [9x]

You push me back  
I push you back  
Harder, harder  
You scream at me  
I scream at you  
Louder, l-l-l-l-louder

I'm dangerous, I'm warning you  
But you're not afraid of me  
And I can't convince you  
And I don't have to  
I think you know me"

 

"That's a great song"  
"That's what lou said"

"He wouldn't want to you beat yourself up over an accident that you had no control over. If it was the other way around and you died. Would you want him to live how you are? Feeling guilty and starving yourself? Would you want him to do that?"

He shakes his head.

"I didn't know him. But I do know he would want what's best for you. And this isn't."

"I feel like I own his family an explanation"  
"Well, we can go see them. Or get them to come here, when you're ready and you can explain what happened. And they can show they don't blame you for this"

 

He smiles and I log it into my memory. This is the type of boy I could fall in love with.


	4. Chapter 4

Harry pov

I've now been nialls nurse for 3 weeks and I'm not as tired. My body has gotten used to the extra work so I no longer feel the 3am phone calls.

He's also now able to eat 2 full meals a day and a snack, if I really nag him. Meaning his weight has increased slightly. Not to any where near a healthy weight, but anything g as to be better that where he was.

It's 7am when my bladder decides it's tme to get up. I go to the loo and on my way back I hear a sigh from nialls room. I walk a bit closer and hear him sort of, growl, at himself. I walk a bit closer and hear him mutter "stupid. Come on"

"Niall I'm coming in" I announce as I knock and then enter.

"Jesus!" He shrieks. Covering himself with his hands. Ah. His pants are Down, at a very wonky angle. Hrs half hard. I realise I'm staring and turn around.

"Sorry. I thought you were struggling with something"  
"I am. Not something you can help with though"

"Sorry. I'm gona- erm- go" I mutter, heading towards the door.  
"Harry... you know- you- erm- said to ask-if-if I need something?"  
"Yeah?" I raise an eyebrow at the door, having an idea where this is going but not sure if I want it to go there.

"Can-I erm-borrow a hand-for like-5-5 minutes"  
I freeze. Yup it went there. I turn around and walk to the bed before sitting g down next to him against the head board.

"I'm guessing I have to do all the work. Since SOMEBODY broke both their arms" I joke.  
"Yeah. Yeah you do. Wench. Hop too it" he laughs.

I lick my hand before i wrap it around his length and move slowly.

"Ng. Bit. Bit faster" he whines, head flopping back. I move slowly still, squeezing a bit harder but not making any movement to speed up.

"Arry. Fuck. Faster. Please" I continue slow. Wether it's because I like hearing the broken moans of him begging or to tease him im not sure. He bucks up into my hand a few times before i do pick up the pace. I rub my thumb over his tip before he cums over my hand with a moan of "fuck harry so good"

I grab some baby wipes and clean him up as well as my hand.

"Happy?" I smile.  
"Fuck do you wank everyday? So good" he pants.

I just laugh and get his boxers back up. Before going to make breakfast.

I take the toast and tea upstairs and eat mine on nialls bed with him. Toast is easier for him as he doesn't have to scoop like he does with cereal.

"I think-I'd- I'd like to see lous family-today. If-if that's -erm-okay"  
"Course niall. After this, give his mum a ring, see what times best for them. Ill get us ready and drive over." I smile.

"Thanks harry. For eveything"  
"It's okay. Are you wanting a bath?" He nods a little and I move the plates of toast.

I put his tea in the bathroom for him and start running the bath. Its easier to get niall naked in his room ad there's more space, so I do that then loop his arm over my shoulder so he can hop to the bathroom.

 

I get him in the bath, foot and pot propped up on the side, out of the water. And arms on either side out of the water.

"I feel a bit like a baby. All incontinent" he jokes, I can tell there's some truth to what he said.

"You aren't. You're just hurt and need a bit of help" I reassure as I start washing his chest.I do his chest , face and back, before washing his hair. I let some of the water out and do his groin and leg before hoisting him out.

"Makes me nervous when you wash me bits" he smiles as I wrap a towel around him.  
"Why? Seen them before, plenty of times"  
"Takes all me strength not to get hard and scare you off"

"It would take more than a hard penis for me to be scared off. Trust me. I'm a professional" I joke. I'm far from one, but im making him laugh at least.

I get him back to his room so he can call Jay. Lous mum.

 

Niall pov

 

"Hello?"  
"Hel-hi. Jay, it's erm. It's niall" I mumble  
"Hi niall. How are you dear? It's been a while" I hear the sad smile in her voice.  
"I'm-I'm alive- I how are you? You all okay?"  
"We're fine niall. Miss him. But. We'll be okay. I bet you miss him too" she says, kindly.  
"I-I wanted to see you-all. Erm today- if that's-"  
"-Niall we're in Doncaster. Not london. Seeing some family and such. Tell them what happened. We're having a get to get her in his name. I would have invited you but I didn't think you'd be up to it" I can tell she's being honest, and it makes me feel a bit better that they considered me, after taking his life.

"It's okay. I-I wanted to apologise. I was driving and I'm so sorry jay. I'm so sorry I took him away from you. I know this wont make it any easier, but if i could swap places with him, I would. In a heart beat.-"

"-we don't blame you niall. I promise we don't. It was an accident and as hard as it has been, we've accepted he isn't coming back. I know he'd have a hissy fit at us if he was here and we blamed you. He loved you niall, so so much. You were another little brother to him. You know that don't you?"

"I-Yeah. I do. I miss him" I sniffle.  
"We all do dear. Don't cry niall. He would want you to grieve, yes. But not blame yourself like this. You didn't take my boys life okay? You were driving, bit that doesn't mean you are responsible. None of us blame you niall. I have to go dear, Lottie has cut Pheebe's hair with some Sissors. You're another son to me, and a brother to my lot. We'll come see you when we're back. Give my adopted son a bit hug, yeah?"

"Thanks jay" I smile.

 

We say our good byes and harry comes back in about 5 minutes later. He left to give me some privacy.

I'm wrapped in a big hug and offered some chocolate as a bargaining chip to get me to do my physio.

 

I begrudgingly do.


	5. Chapter 5

Harry pov

I'm woken this time to a scream. It's loud and ear shattering, like someone is being murdered.

I dive out of bed and make my way to the hallway, bumping into bobby. We glance at each other when the scream starts again, we both race to nialls room.

Once inside I see niall is on the floor stuck in his duvet, struggling to get out. It would be funny, the fact he's on the floor wresting his way out of a duvet. But it isn't. I hear him scream again. And he cries. 

"Niall. Niall its okay-"  
"Get louis! Get louis out. Leave me! Get off of me!! Leave me, get louis. Please get louis. LOUIS! I'm sorry. I'll come back for you- louis!"

He is full on sobbing by the time he wakes up. I've tucked him in my arms, rocking hin slightly.

"It's okay"  
"Louis! He's gone. He's gone harry. I want him to come back. I need him. I need him. I need you louis.' He cries, my heart breaks into a billion pieces. As he begs louis to come back.

"Please come back. Please. Harry bring him back. Please"  
"I can't niall. I can't bring him back. I would if I could, like you would, if you could. but we don't have the power to" I explain, rubbing him hair softly. I'm so annoyed at bobby. He's fucking gone back to bed. Hasn't even made sure his child is okay.

 

"Why didn't you take me instead. Take me instead. You should have take me. It should have been me. I'm so sorry lou. I'm so sorry" He mumbles to no one in particular, more tears falling.

 

It's safe to say, neither of us sleep that night. Instead we stay cuddled on the floor wrapped in a duvet, holding each other like it's the only hing keeping us going.

 

Maybe it is.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm actually in maths at the moment but it's boring, so I'm doing this.
> 
>  
> 
> Lemme know what you think!

Niall pov

Harry has been my nurse for 6 weeks now and I feel alot better that I did. I don't feel as much like the crash is my fault and I'm a murderer.

I saw Jay, Last week, and she wrapped me in the tightest hug ever. But it made me feel safe and secure so I didn't complain.

Harry and I are getting a lot closer. Literally. We share the same room now as it's easier. It's also warmer as I make him crash in my bed most nights, threatening "if you don't, ill have to come over there and the movement could hinder my recover". He just smiles and crawls in next to me.

I haven't seen my dad for about a week, he leaves at the ass crack of dawn and gets home after I've gone to bed. I think he's annoyed with me. But I dont know why.

I've had a check up at the hospital and I'm healing nicely, they've prescribed sleeping tablets to, well, help me sleep. They recommend I have counselling but I can't think of anything worse than sitting in a room by myself, pouring my darkest secrets out to a complete stranger. I said no.

"Haz? You asleep?"  
"Not anymore" he grumbles.  
"I had a bad dream" I whisper. Part of me hoping he didn't hear me.

I feel him shuffle before laying on his back and tucking me into his chest. He strokes my hair and keeps me in place with a hand on my back. I think he twigged on pretty early I like being held. And held down. Not in a sexual way. But in a 'I'm here I'm keeping you safe and holding you so none of the bad things can get to you' kinda way.

"Wanna talk about it?" He whispers.  
"You-You left me. You blamed me for the crash and left me-" I mumble. Harry and I aren't technically dating (he said he's waiting until I can actually go out before asking me on an official date)

"Ni I'm not going anywhere. Literally. You're laid on me. Can't move. But im staying here regardingless babe. And I dont blame you for what happened. It isnt your fault. And when the drunk driver is charged and banged up, you'll realise that. Okay babe"

"I really like you hazza"  
"Good because you're kinda stuck with me. At least for another 4 weeks, till you're healed. Then you could ditch me. But I won't let you. Love you too much to let you leave me"

"You love me?" I sit up and look at him.  
"Yup. I love, your beautiful blue eyes. Your cheeky little smile. Your fake blonde hair that really needs to be re died. Haha. I love your laugh and your hugs and they way you only eat cold toast so the butter doesn't melt-"

"-makes the-"  
"-bread go soggy. I know" he finishes my sentence "I love you and you Niall Horan, are bloody stuck with me"

"I think I could live with that" I smile.  
"I wasn't asking" he laughs.

"I love that you can make me laugh, even when I don't want to smile"

"It's my job as designated boyfriend/date/person you are seeing"

"Hmm. Yeah it is. That and chief toast maker"  
"Yes! I've been promoted"  
"Hahaha" I giggle.

 

"I don't feel as guilty about it anymore" I say, knowing he'll know what I'm referring to.

"Good. Then my main goal is getting completed. My goal baby, is to wash away all the guity you have ever felt. Especially the guilt you feel from the crash. Because you are a beautiful boy and you don't deserve the guilt. Okay? I don't care if I have to tell you a hundred times a day for the next 50 years, baby it wasn't your fault."

I have tears slowly falling as he finishes the speech but I feel a bit happier about the situation. It might take a while, but yeah, I know we can work through this together. I know harry isn't going anywhere (at least for 4 weeks). I know the other driver was drunk. I know jay and their lot don't blame me. I know no one blames me for the crash, except, well, me. I'm the only one who blames me for the crash. And you know something, if louis was here, he'd kick my arse for blaming myself. He'd sass me all the way to China and back. He'd call me a pansy, tell me he loves me and tell me to man the fuck up and stop dwelling on the past.

He'd also tell me he's going to haunt me from his grave if I even think about forgetting him, which I never would. But he'd tell me to live my life for the both of us.

"I want to go to see the Northern Lights. Lou always wanted to go, so I feel like, maybe I could start moving on by going there. And living my life to the full, for the both of us" I think out loud.

"I know he would love that babe"  
"Will you go with me?"  
"I'll be there every step darling"

 

1 year later...  
"We made it" I say as the lights move gently across the sky. "We made it lou"

I feel arms snake around my waist as we gaze at the sky. We don't speak for a while. Just enjoy the lights and the memories that flick through my brain.

We camp out all night, laying under the stars, me telling stories about the past and planning future adventures. I'm drifting to sleep and mumble "I love you louis. I love you hazza"

The last thing I hear before going to bed is "We love you too baby"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it??
> 
>  
> 
> There is a sequel to this called -Darling he's an Angel and Angels belong in Heaven- on my page on here. You don't have to read it. It makes sense to end here. But if you want more drama, head over now!!
> 
> :D

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little tester to see if you like this idea. 
> 
>  
> 
> Should I continue?


End file.
